The Video Station: (303) 440-4448 » sci-fi / fantasy http://thevideostation.com/blog 1661 28th St Boulder, CO (303) 440-4448 Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:01:41 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 THE THING – Reviewed by Will http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/02/02/the-thing-reviewed-by-will/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/02/02/the-thing-reviewed-by-will/#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:20:04 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5932 It’s a bit surprising to consider that nearly as many years have elapsed since John Carpenter’s 1982 sci-fi thriller The Thing as between it and its own predecessor, 1951’s The Thing From Another World, directed by Howard Hawks. Both are widely considered to be classics in the sci-fi horror genres, so a third version has a lot to live up to. This new Thing, by first-time Dutch director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr., is not so much a remake as it is a prequel to Carpenter’s. Fans of that film will remember that the crew of American Antarctic Outpost 31 encounter a helicopter pursuing a lone sled dog and attempting to kill it, later discovering that nearby Norwegian researchers had uncovered an alien spacecraft buried in the ice for eons, and thawed out a deadly alien organism that proved to be their undoing.

This new film chronicles exactly what happened to the Norwegian team, which is conveniently augmented by enough Americans (in particular Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who inevitably becomes a Ripley-esque heroine) to allow most of the dialogue to be politely spoken in English. Winstead’s character, Kate Lloyd, is a paleontologist recruited to assist when the ancient flying saucer is discovered along with its frozen passenger. Lloyd soon butts heads with the snooty head of the Norwegian base, Dr. Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen), who presses on with studying his new find despite her warnings. The creature escapes from its block of ice and proceeds to devour–and perfectly duplicate–its victims.

One compelling aspect of the Thing films, which distinguishes them from a great many horror flicks, is that their characters are educated and rational people, not histrionic teenagers lined up to be chainsaw fodder. The best weapon against the Thing, apart from a reliable and fully-fueled flame thrower, is the Scientific Method itself. As intense and grisly as the creature effects in Carpenter’s film were, it really unfolded more as a logic problem than an action movie. In order to eliminate the alien menace, one had to be cool-headed and methodical in figuring out exactly who was–and who wasn’t–infected by it. This is what provided most of the tension.

Van Heijningen’s prequel follows most of the same story beats as before, and it shows immense respect for the details established in Carpenter’s film. For instance, when Kurt Russell and Co. scouted the wreckage of the Norwegian camp in 1982, they spied a fire-axe embedded ominously in a wall. You can bet you’ll see how and why that axe ended up there. But, despite all of its slavish attention to detail, this one doesn’t really have much tension or menace of its own. The camera drifts lazily across character’s faces without any particular attention or style. The question of who has been replaced by the alien is given its due, even with a couple new and clever twists, but our heroes seem to come up with the same ideas used in the previous film without following the same logical steps to get there. Winstead’s character may be clever, but sometimes it feels like she’s got intuition bordering on psychic powers. Eventually too much time is spent running from room to room chasing after something that very obviously needs to be killed.

Bottom line: if you’ve never seen either of its forebears, some of the twists in this Thing might be effective. If you’re a fan of Carpenter’s version, you’ll probably get a mild kick out of seeing all of the references to it. But the movie taken on its own really isn’t as exciting, despite solid performances and mostly effective creature effects. - [DVD] [Blu-Ray]


Horror/Mystery/Sci-Fi

Rated R


DVD Release Date: 1/31/12
]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/02/02/the-thing-reviewed-by-will/feed/ 0 IN TIME – Reviewed by David http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/02/02/in-time-reviewed-by-david/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/02/02/in-time-reviewed-by-david/#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:19:43 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5930 Imagine the young people in Logan’s Run dropping dead when they hit thirty instead of being executed and you have the basic idea for In Time, writer/director Andrew Niccol’s sleek sci-fi effort starring Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried that manages to overcome lackluster acting and poor plot development thanks to its intriguing premise and striking cinematography.

Like Gattaca, Niccol’s 1997 debut feature, it deals with class division via human genetic manipulation, positing a future in which people are genetically engineered to stop aging at 25 and will die within a year unless they literally acquire more time. The rich can live forever, while others, like Timberlake’s factory worker, struggle, until tragic circumstances inspire Timberlake to take action.

It’s a setup that’s certainly timely, what with the growing problem of overpopulation, but Niccol fails to make it profound, sticking in a few half-hearted nobody-wants-to-live-forever and you-haven’t-really-lived conversations and, in a probable bid to attract a larger audience, turning the film into a Robin Hood-style action thriller.

Better actors might have made something of the material, but we’re stuck with Timberlake and Seyfried as the leads. Timberlake is seriously dull–even his crying feels forced–while Seyfried, as the daughter of a time-wealthy businessman (Vincent Kartheiser), gives horribly wooden line readings and wears a wig that makes her look utterly ridiculous.

As well the old-people-who-look-young angle doesn’t quite work. The young actors just aren’t convincing enough, especially Kartheiser, who sounds too much like a kid trying to be a grown-up. Then again, cast elders Matt Bomer and Cillian Murphy look nothing close to twenty-five, but do give the better performances, even if Murphy’s intriguing time-cop role never develops into much of anything.

And yet I ultimately liked the movie, partly because Niccol gives it such a cool, retro-futuristic look and feel, from the time cop cars and Timberlake’s buzz cut, to the L.A. locations where it was all filmed. Niccol also orchestrates action surprisingly well, as evidenced by a car chase in which Timberlake ends up driving in reverse.

What really sold it for me was all the details Niccol comes up: the glowing green countdown clocks on people’s arms, the way people literally give and take time from each other, the time zones that separate rich from poor, the time-stealing gangsters called Minutemen. When Timberlake buys a car, he pays 59 years. When he and Kartheiser play cards, they bet up to two centuries.

Just like humanity now, though, stress and drinking and smoking take years off the characters’ lives. Literally. Banks loan out time, but still charge high interest rates, and leave people living on borrowed time. Literally. One character, quite literally, runs out of time. And me, well, I thought the movie was, all in all, a pretty good time. – [DVD] [Blu-Ray]

Action/Sci-Fi/Thriller

Rated PG-13

DVD Release Date: 1/31/12

]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/02/02/in-time-reviewed-by-david/feed/ 1 REAL STEEL – Reviewed by David http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/01/27/real-steel-reviewed-by-david/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/01/27/real-steel-reviewed-by-david/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2012 04:10:41 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5900 If you want to get technical about it, director Shawn Levy’s Real Steel is not an official adaptation of the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots game, but it may as well be, because I can’t imagine any other film employing the admittedly silly idea of boxing robots being as wholly enjoyable as this slick, family-friendly Hugh Jackman vehicle.

Loosely based on a 1950s short story by Richard Matheson that was also the basis for a Twilight Zone episode, it’s set in 2020, when mechanical boxers have replaced human ones, and casts Jackman as an ex-fighter scraping out a living entering secondhand robots in unsanctioned matches whose life takes a turn when he takes temporary custody of his preteen son (Dakota Goyo).

The script is equal parts Rocky and Over the Top, and so is predictable, and is peppered with dialogue that will have some rolling their eyes. “I want you to fight for me,” Goyo tells Jackman at one point. “That’s all I ever wanted.” As well Goyo is improbably made out to be an expert robot programmer simply because he plays a lot of video games.

And yet, the film works, incredibly so, in part because Levy not only manages to fashion such an interesting, lived-in world, with its myriad styles of robots and the idea of a World Robot Boxing league, but makes the bot battles themselves fun and energetic exhibitions full of rock music and crowds of people cheering wildly as mechanical behemoths pound away at each other.

What’s more, Levy (Night at the Museum) infuses the film with lots of heart, making the characters feel surprisingly real and ensuring that we genuinely care for them. As corny as it may sound, the film really is about Jackman and Goyo bonding, and less about fighting robots, though I suppose an exception could be made for Atom, the instantly endearing sparring robot Goyo saves from a junkyard.

Granted, Levy gets a lot help from his cast, starting with Jackman, who gives a great performance, capably conveying con-man charm, don’t-bother-me-kid gruffness and palpable paternal feelings. He gets a wonderful co-star in Goyo, who possesses surprising poise and emotional range for a 12-year-old, and lends the film a contagious exuberance. He and Jackman play off each other so well you almost forget about all the impressively rendered CGI automatons around them.

To all that you can add ex-Lost beauty Evangeline Lilly. As Jackman’s childhood buddy/romantic interest, she combines feistiness, intelligence and vulnerability into a very appealing package, becoming more than just the shoulder Jackman cries on. I especially liked the scene in which she fills Goyo in on his father’s career, though her rooftop reconciliation with Jackman is a nicely tender moment.

As well Danny Elfman’s excellent score not only sounds like something Trevor Rabin might have composed (a good thing in my book), it succeeds in making the action feel rousing and triumphant, and the quieter moments poignant. Suffice it to say that, if you don’t smile when Goyo teaches Atom to dance, or cry even one tear during the big-match finale, then you must be a machine. – [DVD]

Action/Drama/Sci-Fi

Rated PG-13

DVD Release Date: 1/24/12

]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/01/27/real-steel-reviewed-by-david/feed/ 0 DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK – Reviewed by David http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/01/06/dont-be-afraid-of-the-dark-reviewed-by-david/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/01/06/dont-be-afraid-of-the-dark-reviewed-by-david/#comments Fri, 06 Jan 2012 03:32:27 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5813 Just so we’re clear, Guillermo del Toro didn’t direct this big screen version of a 1973 TV movie. He co-wrote and, as with 2007’s The Orphanage, produced it. I mention this so you don’t think him responsible for what turns out to be an unscary little horror flick.

It does, however, employ his oft-used theme of children encountering supernatural or fantastical elements, focusing on a little girl (Bailee Madison) forced to go live with her architect father (Guy Pearce) and stepmother (Katie Holmes) in a 19th century Rhode Island mansion the pair is restoring, where she becomes the target of tiny goblin-like creatures inhabiting the ash pit in the home’s basement.

As long as we don’t actually see the creatures, the film really isn’t that bad. Director Troy Nixey succeeds, at least for a while, in making the big old house itself nicely creepy, especially in any scene with Bailee in bed, bathed in the light of her carousel lamp. And he gets a great little actress in Bailee, who convincingly conveys a decent range of emotions.

Thing is, the creatures themselves, when we finally do see them, really aren’t that scary. Oh, they’re ugly, hunchbacked little CGI things who can swarm all over a man and nearly kill him, but they look just a little too adorable. The only time they’re even kind of frightening is in the drawings of them Holmes discovers at one point, or when we hear their whispers emanating from the ash pit.

Pearce and Holmes do adequate work, and the script manages to eke out some genuine emotional resonance with the resentment-at-the-stepmother angle. But we know from the start that the girl will warm up to Holmes. Sigh. If only del Toro himself had been the director. Then I might really have been afraid of the watching this movie, in the light or the dark. – [DVD]


Fantasy/Horror/Thriller

Rated R


DVD Release Date: 1/3/12
]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2012/01/06/dont-be-afraid-of-the-dark-reviewed-by-david/feed/ 0 APOLLO 18 – Reviewed by Will http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/29/apollo-18-reviewed-by-will/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/29/apollo-18-reviewed-by-will/#comments Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:15:09 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5777 http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5718 The original Planet of the Apes franchise, spanning five films from the original 1968 Charlton Heston movie to 1973’s Battle for the Planet of the Apes, was equal parts science fiction and social satire. It turned out that people wearing chimp costumes were remarkably versatile in service of the latter goal, making effective caricatures for examining creationism, race relations, animal rights, fascism, even meteoric celebrity. The whole thing formed a surprisingly tidy narrative pretzel, a time travel story founded on a predestination paradox, where the founder of ape civilization–Caesar–was himself its ultimate product.

There are many factors that make Rise of the Planet of the Apes so successful at re-imagining the Apes franchise. First of all, it apparently wasn’t even originally conceived as a remake at all–rather, the writers were initially more interested in the perilous modern phenomenon of humans raising chimpanzees in their homes. Combining that thread with the emerging potential of genetic engineering, they fashioned a story about an exceedingly intelligent chimp raised and eventually mistreated by humans, who is forced to abandon human society and find a new place amongst his own kind. Broaden the scope a little, and you have the ingredients for a planet of apes.

As much as its title telegraphs the outcome, Rise is peculiarly engrossing. Much of this is thanks to Andy Serkis, the actor who pioneered motion capture performance when playing Lord of the Rings‘ Gollum and King Kong. His performance as Caesar is the genuine centerpiece of the film, an entirely computer-generated character that in fact evokes the expressive, non-verbal acting of the Silent Era. Particularly during its second half, after Caesar is imprisoned in a primate “sanctuary,” this is a film that masterfully demonstrates how much can be done without dialogue. There’s an old adage in filmmaking that advises that it’s better to show it than say it, and rarely have I seen a blockbuster film that took this advice to heart quite so skillfully, well into the closing credits in fact. There are snatches of sign language complete with helpful subtitles, but anyone can see on the protagonist’s face that he’s working on a plan.

The human actors in the piece are more than capable, but they largely occupy the positions the story requires of them. James Franco is the scientist hoping to create a viable Alzheimer’s treatment for his father, which inadvertently works so well at making the apes smart. John Lithgow, playing his father, probably lends the most soul to the human characters and serves as Caesar’s erstwhile grandfather. The lovely Freida Pinto, after injecting a bit of exposition early on, spends the rest of the film relegated to being Franco’s presumed love interest. Tom Felton, best known to audiences as Harry Potter’s nemesis Draco Malfoy, here sports a spitting American accent as he torments the apes in the primate sanctuary.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes certainly doesn’t eschew the satirical bent of its predecessors, but it really feels much more like a speculative science fiction film than a mirror to our times. It approaches the apes from an ape perspective more than a human one, and this ends up being one of its greatest strengths. It doesn’t so much ask the question of what people in monkey costumes can say about society, but rather, simply, what might it look like if an ape were suddenly able to compete with us mentally? As this movie surmises, he might have better things to do than sit around debating philosophy with us. – [DVD] [Blu-Ray]


Action/Drama/Sci-Fi

Rated PG-13

Release Date: 12/13/11
]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/16/rise-of-the-planet-of-the-apes-reviewed-by-will/feed/ 1 COWBOYS & ALIENS – Reviewed by Will http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/08/cowboys-aliens-reviewed-by-will/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/08/cowboys-aliens-reviewed-by-will/#comments Thu, 08 Dec 2011 20:26:12 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5693 The mixing of the Western and sci-fi genres is nothing new. It goes back at least as far as when Singing Cowboy Gene Autry descended into the super-advanced underground civilization of Murania in the kooky but fun 1935 serial The Phantom Empire. Over the years, it’s been done with varied success, ranging from the “James Bond Western,” Wild Wild West, to Joss Whedon’s brilliant but short-lived Firefly/Serenity franchise. But never before has the juxtaposition been announced quite as clearly as by the title Cowboys & Aliens.

Therein lies the rub: Cowboys & Aliens is a movie that somehow fails to live up to its title. There are indeed cowboys and aliens aplenty in it, but it takes itself a little too seriously to earn its playful-sounding moniker. That’s not to say it isn’t any fun at all. Particularly during its first half hour, which establishes the amnesiac stranger Jake Lonergan (a relentlessly dour-faced Daniel Craig), cattle patriarch Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) and the dying boomtown of Absolution, Arizona Territory. The early scenes, replete with fisticuffs and dueling dagger stares, are actually fairly (maybe unintentionally) funny. Later on, when strange objects appear in the sky and start blasting the town, things get a little uneven.

Disregarding the title altogether, it’s hard to say exactly why the souffle that is Cowboys & Aliens never manages to rise all the way. It has all the right ingredients–a good cast, a good director (Jon “Iron Man” Favreau), and a script that could be a heck of a lot worse. The writers manage to find a few nice moments to remind us that these characters are out of their depth when it comes to alien invasions, and even things we today take for granted are novel to them (like flight). But whatever the reason, it doesn’t quite cohere as it should. Maybe someday it’ll gain some kind of cult status as the oddity it is. Until then, you could do a lot worse. – [DVD] [Blu-Ray]

Action/Sci-Fi/Thriller
Rated PG-13

DVD Release Date: 12/6/11
]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/08/cowboys-aliens-reviewed-by-will/feed/ 0 ANOTHER EARTH – Reviewed by Bruce http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/02/another-earth-reviewed-by-bruce/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/02/another-earth-reviewed-by-bruce/#comments Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:23:55 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5649 If, like me, you’ve been both fascinated and unnerved by the recent articles describing neutrinos that may be travelling faster than the speed of light, you may also have developed a new, less skeptical view of things previously filed under “science fiction,” or at least are no longer automatically chuckling at them. This is one way to approach the marvellously subtle, yet thrilling, Another Earth.

On the night humans learn of another habitable planet that is approaching Earth, our protagonist Rhoda Williams (Brit Marling) is celebrating her acceptance to M.I.T., and, while driving home, gawking out her window at the new planet. Another car, filled with a man, his pregnant wife, and their young son, are in her unseen path, and meet with a terrible fate when she runs into them head-on. Rhoda spends the next four years in prison for this, and when she is released, the new planet is much closer to Earth, and more dramatic events are imminent. With that new planet invariably hanging heavily in the sky (ominously? beautifully? expectantly?), Rhoda goes about searching for some meaning to her shattered life. She is drawn to John Burroughs (William Mapother), the surviving father of the car wreck, and the resultant encounters are both unexpected and realistic in their poignancy of two broken souls cleaving together.

Brit Marling not only plays Rhoda, but also co-wrote the original script, along with director Mike Cahill. She is magnetic in this film, always resisting the opportunity for histrionics, which many actors would have indulged in. She plays Rhoda very quietly, with an almost blank face, yet one on which we can read the deep currents of pain underneath. Despite that pain, she very much wants to re-connect with reality, not being content with the anodyne. Marling’s subtlety is all the more astonishing that as dramatic moments accrete, so too does the cumulative power, culminating in one of the best final shots I’ve ever seen.

The look of the film is also quite beautiful, loaded with subdued earth tones – lots of olive and brown, but deep black, too. And it was shot with an $8,000 camera – the Sony EX3.

Could this be the start of a new breed of actresses (along with Michelle Williams, for now) who believe in a more introspectively penetrating style of acting? Let’s hope so – it sure is exciting. – [DVD] [Blu-Ray]

Drama/Sci-Fi

Rated PG-13

DVD Release Date: 11/29/11
]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/12/02/another-earth-reviewed-by-bruce/feed/ 0 SUPER 8 – Reviewed by Will http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/11/25/super-8-reviewed-by-will/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/11/25/super-8-reviewed-by-will/#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:56:54 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5613 In 1958, an 11-year old kid in Scottsdale, Arizona borrowed his dad’s 8-mm movie camera to fulfill the requirements of the Boy Scouts’ photography merit badge. His first film was a western in which the big special effect was a staged crash of his Lionel model train set. He caught the filmmaking bug, and never stopped making movies. His name was Steven Spielberg. A quarter century later, in 1982, Spielberg was fresh off the shoot for E.T., a film which deeply connected Spielberg both with his own childhood and with his young stars, who became, in his own words, something of a second family. Around this time he came across an article in the LA Times headlined “The Beardless Wonders of Film Making,” which featured a group of teenage kids who had made waves at that year’s Super 8-mm film festival showing their own clever homemade movies. No doubt inspired by nostalgia and flush with paternal emotion, Spielberg bravely decided to have his producer contact two of those kids and hire them to edit and restore his own childhood 8-mm films. Their names were J.J. Abrams (“Alias,” “Lost,” Star Trek) and Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In).

Fast-forward another quarter century to Super 8, directed by Abrams and produced by Spielberg, in which the grandest set-piece (among many) is a train crash. This is a film which celebrates not only Abrams’ childhood filmmaking adventures, but the great early Spielberg films that had inspired him and his friends. His decision to set his story in 1979 goes a long way in making his evocation of those films so successful, and his cast of young actors seem transported en masse from the occasionally-great but generally fondly-remembered adventure films of the era (E.T., Goonies, Explorers, et al.). The kids in those movies had a tendency to talk over each other in an Altman-esque pitter-patter that lent a distinct comic realism to their relationships. Lo and behold, the kids in Super 8 talk that way too.

Of course, just as in those movies, there’s something otherworldly afoot. Something the USAF was hauling cross-country in that crashed train. Witness to the crash are our young heroes, on a clandestine wee-hours location shoot for their DIY zombie mystery movie. They don’t quite catch a glimpse of the something that crawls out of the wreckage, but–aha!–their trusty Super 8 does. Trouble is, it’ll take a few days to get their film developed, and a lot can happen in a small town in a few days when something unusual is on the prowl. Car engines are suddenly missing from under their hoods, a service station gets smashed, ham radio operators hear strange murmurs on Air Force frequencies, and the sheriff has mysteriously vanished.

One trademark feature of Spielberg’s films (which is sometimes overlooked) is that, with few exceptions, their protagonists come from broken families. E.T. is really all about the father who ran away to Mexico. The kids in Jurassic Park were mostly sent there as a diversion from their parents’ divorce. Even Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones and his dad fell out after mom died. Super 8, which so reverently emulates Spielberg’s magic, follows the same pattern: its father and son (Kyle Chandler and Joel Courtney) are freshly reeling from the steel-mill accident that claimed the mother’s life. Complicating matters is the son’s infatuation with the daughter (an excellent Elle Fanning–yes, she is Dakota’s little sister) of the man who may have been responsible.

Ultimately, Super 8 stands on its own as a fun, atmospheric sci-adventure with superb production values and well-above-average characterization. As easy (and fun) as it is to watch it with an eye for all the visual and thematic allusions to the Spielberg canon, this is probably the first real J.J. Abrams movie, and easily his best. While his Star Trek sometimes felt a little breathless, Super 8 takes its time establishing setting and character back story, to a much greater extent, in fact, than most Hollywood blockbusters have for many years. There’s no question that its imitative qualities are both deliberate and affectionate, and in the context of the shared history of its creators, almost poignant. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if some of the young viewers who watch it might be inspired to find a camera and make their own movie. I’m sure nothing would make Spielberg and Abrams happier.

P.S. Make sure you keep watching when the credits roll, or you’ll miss the best part. - [DVD] [Blu-Ray]

Mystery/Sci-Fi/Thriller

Rated PG-13

DVD Release Date: 11/22/11

]]> http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/11/25/super-8-reviewed-by-will/feed/ 1 CONAN THE BARBARIAN – Reviewed by David http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/11/25/conan-the-barbarian-reviewed-by-david/ http://thevideostation.com/blog/2011/11/25/conan-the-barbarian-reviewed-by-david/#comments Fri, 25 Nov 2011 18:56:46 +0000 blogadmin http://thevideostation.com/blog/?p=5611 Playing writer Robert E. Howard’s fictional warrior convincingly requires one to possess big muscles, skill with a sword and, apparently, a thick Austrian accent. Because while Jason Momoa, who assumes the title role in this new version of Conan the Barbarian, meets the first two requirements, the film suffers immeasurably for his not being Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As in Howard’s original pulp stories, the Conan here is a Cimmerian born during battle and raised by a blacksmith father (Ron Perlman). From there the film’s trio of screenwriters concoct a new plot, in which Conan seeks revenge against a malevolent warlord (Stephen Lang) bent on conquering the world via a mask made out of the bones of dead kings.

The problem with Momoa is presence. He doesn’t have any. He probably got the role because of his six-pack abs and model-pretty face. But not only does he deliver his lines somewhat woodenly, and in a low growl, he behaves more like an entitled surfer boy than an uncivilized grunt, and seems to believe that glowering through liberally applied mascara makes him intimidating.

Marcus Nispel is the director, and that just compounds the issue, because hiring the guy who made the awesomely uninspired reboots of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th is always a good idea. He has not the skill to craft anything creative, be it action sequences or scenes in general, or to compensate for Momoa’s deficient performance. He stages the chases and various swordfights competently, sure, but some of the more interesting sequences, like Momoa’s clash with warriors made of dirt, deserve to be better than merely proficient.

The only one who brings anything interesting to the party is Stephen Lang, a veteran actor probably best known for chewing the scenery as badass soldiers in Avatar and Fox-TV’s Terra Nova. He’s the best thing in them, and he’s the best thing here, imbuing his pony-tailed villain with a wonderfully fierce spirit, be it while goading Momoa during a swordfight, or uttering cheesy dialogue. “My wife will make me a god, and we will cast all rivals into oceans of blood,” he proclaims to Rachel Nichols’ damsel-in-distress at one point, almost managing to make it sound believable. Almost.

As a whole, the thing is grittier than the Schwarzenegger version. That is, it tries to be a mite more realistic, which is an interesting tack for a film like this to take. As well there’s actually far less use of special effects than you might expect, dirt-warriors, tentacled creature and finale notwithstanding. For once, though, I wouldn’t have minded getting a CGI show. It would have distracted me from the lackluster lump of beefcake at the center of the movie. – [DVD] [Blu-Ray]

Action/Adventure/Fantasy

Rated R

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